I'm just sitting here thanking God and whoever else that my Brian Wilson year is just a few short days from being totally over.

This has been a year that began in total darkness, with me finding more and more light here and there as it's gone on. Funny thing about majoring in English because you're not sure what you really want to do with your life: majoring in English does nothing to help you discover what you really want to do with your life. That's been a journey that I have delayed embarking on for far too long, and a big part of this year had to do with making up for lost time on that score. And what did I have to do to achieve that? Well, bust my ass fixing up people's yards, for one thing. Having to really put my head down and push hard to get to the next stage. Basically, I had to go through a time of trial to get a sense of the strength and resolve that's somewhere down there.

So I guess you could say I had a total crisis of faith months ago. The shitty, nonexistent job market compounded matters, as I ground away at odd jobs until I finally landed a gig at a law firm downtown. Of course, three weeks into that I was horribly injured on the job, and got to go back to the land of unemployment, only with a disability check this time. (It doesn't make it suck all that much less.)

Add to that having to withdraw from school two semesters in a row for completely different reasons each time, and you've got a bullshit sandwich.

But now... man, I finally feel strongly that I'm on the other side of all that stuff, rather than stuck in the middle of it. I'm moving to a new apartment day after tomorrow. I'm starting my last semester of grad school in a couple weeks (granted, I'm starting it for the third time. But still.) I'm... well, I'm still limited in what I can do for a job, but I'm meeting with my lawyer about that next week to discuss what I can and should do. Things are coming together.

One thing I've learned: my inner life is all that really matters to me. As long as I can write funny stories, read books, listen to music, and spend time with my friends, I don't feel that I really need anything more than that. A boring job -- like maybe a government desk job, which is one avenue I've been looking into for my post-graduate employment -- is all I need. As long as I've got my mind and a good group of friends, I'll be satisfied.

So... good riddance to 2009, but I'm still pretty glad it happened. I'll look back on it as a defining year. And, with any luck, won't have another year like it ever again.

Peace to everyone out there, and good luck for 2010. We still have two years until the horribly cliched apocalypse arrives, or at least that's what I gather from current cinema.

OK, yeah, haven't posted in a while, blah blah blah. It wouldn't be a blog post by me if it didn't begin with an acknowledgment of the fact that I never post.

I'm finally coming off this crap about the injury. I have finally, after three full months, gotten the splint off my left hand and can use it in a limited fashion. I'm told I might not ever get full bendiness back in the thumb, but frankly I'm just glad to have it operational and with intact nerves.

I guess if you read my blog, you could see for yourself that I had kind of a hard time while that was going on. Since it's a work injury, there is little recourse for me to take -- kind of messed up, but apparently the laws in this state aren't exactly friendly to workers. I'm thinking about writing an article about my experience and trying to get some local paper to print it. People should know how little protection they have under the law as workers in this state. Unless you like a 2/3rds pay disability check which doesn't account for potential lost wages in other endeavors, in which case, by all means, go lose your hand in a work accident.

Things are looking up, though. I'm about to move to a 1 BR apartment in North Raleigh. It's a nice place. And in all other areas, I'm just feeling optimistic. There are a lot of unknown factors regarding the future, but I feel quite capable of controlling those factors to the best of my ability.

I guess this isn't exactly as sustainable life skill to be proud of, but I have had the chance to play a lot of poker over the last few months, and have gotten pretty good at tournaments. This month so far I've gotten over $600, mostly from really huge multi-table tournaments with micro buy-ins. I don't spend every hour of every day on it, but when I wasn't able to type and could only use one hand, that was one of the few forms of entertainment available to me.

There are a hell of a lot of people I lost contact with this year that I miss quite a bit. Being out of it for several months at the beginning of the year combined with the fallout from that and then the injury BS, I've spent a lot of time out of touch. Want to rectify that with as many people as possible.

So.... holla.

In other news...

I don't think TV has ever come close to reproducing any entertainment as perfect as "Blind Date." Not only does it epitomize the idiocy of short-attention span television in general (bumper-sticker like slogans pasted on the screen at almost all times, weird animations usually of the lowest-common-denominator-appealing variety), but it also features the nationally televised crushing of souls.

I don't know where they get the competitors for this show, but it seems like a Blind Date representative goes to bars in order to find the most pathetic horny loser in the nation, and then they set that person up with an attractive, appealing "Date." They are then asked to eat sushi off of one another within 15 minutes of meeting each other, cameras right there on them.

I often think about things that are wastes of time to intellectually pursue, but I can't shake the idea of advanced sentient aliens on other planets picking up bits and pieces of a transmission of "Blind Date." I'd bet they'd be setting their phasers to "completely f'ing obliterate in a burning horror show of death."

And also: Do you think anyone that met on Blind Date has later gone on to get married? Do you think they had a Blind Date-themed wedding? Discuss.

Ohhhh snap, it's yet another blog.

I'm going to save the excuses and the i-would-have-blogged-but-this-happeneds. Truth is, if I had a left hand that HAD THE POWER, I'd be telling you stuff that would curl your already-curly hair. But I don't, so I ain't, which means I'm not.

I miss stuff. I have been doing a lot to make sure the straight and narrow is still a viable path, but I miss the insane stupid shit that I previously would engage in. I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss that.

Right now, I miss being in love. I miss the feeling of improving myself for someone else. Shit, that's what I want. I want to be accountable to someone I care about. I want to have to change my daily habits to achieve that. And I guess it's pathetic, especially since everyone's getting married. God damn it.

And I fucked up. A year ago, I let the best mentor I've ever had just give up on me. Because I hadn't been doing everything I was supposed to do. And why? What have I gained? Noooooothing.

Can you take stuff back? I mean, do you get any points for acknowledging past idiocies? I don't think so.

I have been getting back to the rhythm of writing. At this point, it doesn't matter. I just want to articulate everything correctly. I don't want to be that guy that once thought I was good and actually wasn't.

My hand is broken, and there is plenty I can't do. But there was plenty I can. So watch the hell out. You might have already written me off, and you might be surprised.

Dude... I have a note from home saying why I couldn't blog for the last few weeks. I'll scan and upload it soon.

But I imagine you want the short version, in fact, I imagine you champing -- literally champing -- at the bit, waiting to hear the tale. Champing your ASS off!

So the short version is: after getting injured at work, I am now a one-handed man. For the next few months, anyway.

As to my injury, I won't describe it in graphic detail. Just know that the ER doc eagerly snapped photos of it with his iPhone to "show his class." Also, it was caused by a falling wall cabinet's sharp edge slicing through my thumb. You don't want any more information on that one, trust me.

I had to have surgery to reattach the tendon, and since I'd been gripping really hard when the cabinet took a life of its own and tried to kill me, the cut was even worse than it could have been. My split tendon parts retreated way up to the tip of the thumb, so an incision had to be made along the length of the thumb to find/reattach it.

Yeah.

It's been a major interruption and a completely lame series of events, but trying to find that elusive bright side, I gotta say that if/when I do get use of my hand back, I am going to feel like I just got some sort of ninja voodoo superpower. (That's a good idea for a comic book superhero, by the way: Two-Handed Man.)

Thankfully, not everything has been lame -- my oldest friend just got married and I had the honor of being a groomsman. It was great and crazy partying, even by wedding standards. So I at least had that to enjoy.

Plus, hell, I used this as an excuse to get TV and DVR in my room. Can't argue with that, right?!

Well, I'll blog more later, but my typing ability is very limited. I have voice recognition software for most of what I'm saying, then I go back and edit, one key at a time.

Until next time... sooner, I hope.

This blog is like a bastard child that I'd like to deny altogether, but a tiny pang of guilt once in a while reminds me that it is indeed my progeny and that continued neglect could give it issues it'd have to deal with later in life.

So I come back to blog once more.

The truth is, I'm just blogging because I made a Resolution yesterday, and yes it was enough of a Resolution to warrant capitalization... in fact, it was a *Resolution*, an important one, in recognition of the fact that the time-suck that is the Internet can, from time to time, crowd out the other things I need to do in life (consume nutrients, excrete waste, watch reality television.)

The Resolution was that I was going to, y'know, spend less time on the Internet, 'n stuff.

Hence, I must BLOG! For it is written in the Parable of the Well-Meaning Slacker: "And the slacker did rest, and it was good. And he rested some more, and that was also good. Then he got on the internet to blog about his rest, and lo his many followers took his words to the people of the dormitories, and yea, they did follow his slacker example and the world soon ended oops."

So.... yeah. Haven't blogged in a while, but I've actually been busy (hence my attempt to use the Internet less, but whatever.) After many moons worth of searching, I found a temporary kinda job that has been going pretty well. Doing admin tasks, answering the phone, doing runs, etc. for a law firm. I've had that kind of job before, so it's kind of nice to get back into that sorta routine... but I have a lot more actually to do at this one, so it makes it more interesting. Can't argue with that.

And, if all goes proper-like, I should be done with school in December, though I don't really want to jinx it by saying that. After having already been held up by the wackness of last semester, I am ready to get out of there. I don't feel quite right walking around on campus. Maybe it is because I am *eight freaking years* older than the new crop of freshmen this year. Oh well, at least it's the master's degree I'm sticking around for. Being in undergraduate classes this year would suck, especially because it would be just like me to put off the freshman biology lecture till the last semester (which I actually did do as an undergrad. And to think I felt old then...ha.)

There are a few things I would like people to know about. As long as you've got these things, you'll be fine ... and this will also save me the trouble of blogging what I've been doing for fun the last little while. Picture blogging is the future, just like picture menus at McDonalds and pictures offered by financial services companies about which mortgage to choose.

This:



This dude:



That:




Best film of the year:




OK, so I think I got out of this post pretty clean. Not too much time spent, you got your basic photo sensory overload, everyone's happy. Now remember, don't stay out too late on a weeknight, be neat, do your laundry the day before instead of the day you run out of clean clothes, and try to call home once in a while. It won't kill you. Good night.

monetize me

Update: I have now monetized my blog, which basically means that ugly and useless ads have been added to the site. Luckily, I don't think anyone reads this site, and those that read the posts are reading it through Facebook, so no one will be bothered by the ads, but I will also not make money.
I would ask people to come here and click the links to help me stay "in food," but apparently it takes like 10,000 clicks to even get started. Ridiculous! I guess I'll keep my blog monetized, just so I can tell people I have a monetized blog, if asked.

Elk supper and more

Hey. Did you dine with some elk tonight?

If you did, what a coincidence, so did I. It was a crazy experience.

I have been in Asheville for the past couple of days for a visit, and I went with a small group of family (my dad, my aunt, her grandson) to this place, which turned out to be. freaking. awesome.

It's just a large expanse of land where they've reintroduced elk to NC -- it was originally killed off here in the 18th century -- and they just chill and graze in this giant meadow, chewing on some grass, staring each other down, occasionally acting crunked.

We brought a picnic and sat at the edge of the meadow. A couple of female elk noticed us and came pretty close, despite a sign that said "Do not approach wildlife" (perhaps if they'd added a comma between the third and fourth words this would not have occurred.)

They were absolutely gorgeous animals, and seeing them act semi-natural was a heck of a good time. There was an aspect of guilt, though. There were cars full of people all up in their shit, (at times literally), people leaning out their windows, gawking, taking photos, making noises at them. And they are apparently so used to this that they barely seemed to notice.

That's got to be a kind of lame existence. I was trying to imagine if every time I came to sit in my lawn chair out back of my house in Raleigh, as I am wont to do, if Far-Side-style deer wearing sunglasses and hawaiian shirts and other tourist gear gathered several yards away and attempted to verbally prod me into doing something more interesting. While the image this produced was amusing in its own way, I also realized that would kind of suck.

And I know that's anthropomorphizing them in a way, but man, some lines were just not meant to be crossed! Next thing you know, people will be mating with these majestic chaps and lasses, creating a Dr. Moreau experience for a new generation. I mean, there were already several people in this meadow field getting drunk as hell, god knows what they had in mind for the latter part of the evening.

When I got back, I realized to my horror that my dad's back door had been left open. Given that earlier today my dog tried to jump in front of a moving damn car, (one of the dumbest things I've ever seen an animal do.. she was trying to play with the bastard!) I became somewhat fearful that she had escaped the house and committed suicide in some equally idiotic way. But she was sitting obediently outside, right by the front door, gladly yapping at me on my arrival.

I love that crazy kid!

At the top of the Blogger menu, there is a link that says "Monetize." I am so down for that. Please pay me $1,000 per post. Thank you. Monetize on.

I'm kind of amazed that this post is still going, so I think I am going to memorialize what has already been written by ending the post.

PS: I'm still laughing about Sarah Palin resigning as Governor.

Back-to-back blogging, I'm on a roll here.

I'd like to begin this post with a shout-out to my buddy Jake, who helped me move a metric ton of furniture out of my old apartment and into storage. It took most of Saturday to either mentally prepare for it or do it, and it was cool of him to give up his time for said purpose.

The funniest part was when we were lamenting the insane heaviness of some of the things I own (sofa-bed, I am coming for your soul) and picked up a large recliner I have. When I picked it up by the front end, it seemed much lighter than it should. I remarked, "Oh, this is EASY!" and, with perfect timing, the retractable foot rest part came out. I fell into the chair on my face, providing many laughs.

The other thing that happened was the death of Michael Jackson. I am going to offer some completely unoriginal thoughts on this.

Michael Jackson was convicted in the press for being a freak, a monster, a child rapist, and possibly an alien. Every time he was in the news, it was a punch line. Now, I'm not saying that's wrong. But it just strikes me as odd that he's suddenly a shimmering god in everyone's eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I, like everyone else, enjoyed the hell out of his music when I was a kid in the 80s. I'll never forget the first time I heard Thriller as a really young kid, and the crazy laughter scared the shit out of me, but the song was so awesome I just wanted to hear it again. And then when I saw the video, it was like an even more intense version of that. Crazy, fucked up, frightening, but awesome.

In a way that's the best way to describe Michael Jackson, I think. Crazy, fucked up, frightening, but awesome (in the sense that he was a goddamn creative genius.) Why can't the news report it that way?

I understand the inclination to want to remember someone in a positive light when they die. But that's the job of pastors and funerals. If the media doesn't want to seem like complete hypocrites, they need to be a little more grounded in, you know, what they've been saying for the past 15 years. Why does it have to be one way or the other?

I'm just looking forward to the inevitable biographies that tell more of a realistic version of what he's like in person. Say what you will about the guy, he was a fascinating figure. And "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" is basically the pinnacle of modern pop music. There will be no argument on that subject.

Hey. Well. A lot has changed since last I wrote. I will save the details, because it's not an incredibly interesting story, but let's just say I have a lot more time on my hands these days, and less personal space. I have another semester left to do for my Master's because of some health type problems (see above) and this same situation has left me currently without employment.

It's funny, because it used to be pretty easy to get a job. Maybe a crappy job, but you could still find a job. You'd go around to 20 or 30 places, fill out applications, and you'd get at least a few call backs for interviews. It was a grind, but it eventually paid off.

Let me report for anyone that is still comfortably employed: the economy blows right now. I believed it when I heard reports and stuff, about how things were going downhill, but that was when I still had a job. It didn't seem real. Now it does. It's been a couple of months looking and applying, dropping off resumes, calling numbers from classified ads, and still nothing. I can't even get a call back from Burger King. WTF???!?!

I have been trying to hack it by doing what I like to call, in order to maintain some sort of claim to being part of the intelligentsia, "independent landscaping by contract." That basically means someone asks me to dig a ditch in their yard, I say cool, how much will you pay me, they say literally any number and I accept. Us independent landscapers by contract can't be choosy about rates these days.

As you might imagine, this does not provide a very good/reliable/satisfying income. But as much as I was embarrassed at first about the situation, I have to say I've been in pretty good spirits lately. There's something really nice about putting your body into your work -- something I'm not very familiar with, being a pasty-faced book-readin' type -- it gives you a chance to think about whatever you please, and its a satisfying feeling to see that you did a good job when all is finished.

All that time to think has given me a chance to think about what I want to aim for once I get the M.A., even though I'm pretty sure, given the economy's current state, it's not going to open all that many doors at the moment. But it's also given me a lot of time to think about ideas for my own writing, something I've been getting a lot more involved for some time.

Random, disorganized thoughts:

• Obama is still president. This is awesome.
• The other day, he had a press conference where he got mad at someone who asked if he was still a smoker, in light of his new anti-smoking law. He looked and sounded more pissed than I've ever witnessed -- he's a cool guy after all -- and said something I thought was pretty awesome: "You think it's neat to ask me about my smoking, as opposed to it being relevant to my new law." Seriously? Neat? Excellent work.
• Do you think when he got elected as president, the first thing he said was "Guys, this is really neat." I do. Either that or "Wow! Nifty!"
  
• I still don't use Twitter. I have an account but live in fear of it. Why is there a new thing like that every time you turn around? Can't people just be happy with newsgroups and AOL 3.0?!!?!?
  
• Gov. Mark Sanford, who confessed to an affair yesterday, had a tearful/awkward/painful to watch press conference. He had been flying to Argentina to get with his mistress, while telling his staff he was "hiking the Appalachian trail." While I sort of feel for him and especially his family, the press conference was particularly amusing in places, because he kept saying things that made no freaking sense. Example: "The biggest self of self is truly......... self."
• Having a dog never gets old. The longer I've had her, the more attached I get. I'm not one of those (obnoxious) people that treats a dog like a child, but I'm basically saying if I could only afford a pack of ramen a day, I'd split it with her.
• I'm basically only continuing this list because I think it's fun to put bulleted lists on a blog.

OK, the spell has been broken. I just wanted to update this long-neglected blog. It seems like I always go months between posts, but I think that is going to change now. If anything, it's just fun for me to go back and read posts months later, so I can shake my head and go "What the hell?"

Peace.

Just heard on MSNBC:

"Up next: so what were Republican members of Congress thinking during President Obama's speech last night? Well, a couple of them were caught using that instant messaging system called ... Twitter... and they were a-twitter, and some were a-tweeting themselves, or being tweets, by putting out tweets right in the middle of that, um... that speech last night. If you notice, their fingers were outtasite. You're watching Hardball, only on MSNBC."
-Chris Matthews (and yes, I rewound my DVR to make sure I got this quotation right)

It's well past time that I blogged.

I have been playing around with this tumblr thing recently. I was quoted on Taylor M.'s site, or I suppose I was tumbled there, and then I started looking around on it and made my own. I am a sucker for the novelty of such things. In some ways it's cool, but it also feels discouraging of super-long posts. Like today I started posting D.H. Lawrence poems on there and realized "hey, what the heck am I doing? This certainly is a waste of time."

I guess I had an excuse, though, because I was sick today -- have been for several days. I'm feeling somewhat better now, but I'm faced with so much stuff to do... and here I am wasting time via a different Internet medium!

This is kind of an interesting time, because I have no idea if I'm going to be able to get a job after I get my degree in May. I've been sending out resumes like a banshee-type creature, but it hasn't yielded much fruit so far. I feel like I'm plenty qualified at this point for several different types of work, but the news about the economy is scary, and I never had the most marketable degree to begin with.

But in a way, the whole process is fun, because having nothing determined for me means the possibilities are endless. I've been working on making it my policy to feel little to no discouragement when it comes to economic news.

What else...

I liked Obama's speech tonight -- thought he got the job done properly, rousing his base and also explaining the situation to the nation. I have high hopes for what he's going to do. And is it just me or does the first lady get more beautiful all the time? I mean, damn. Props to ya, Barack.

Jake and Richard and I watched it together, and it felt cool to have the three of us, who have watched many a Bush State of the Union address together in impotent frustration, congregated to see Obama's first big one.

I won't lie, it's been a rough couple of weeks, and the next couple of months aren't likely to get much better, but I have been really successful at finding bright spots such as that lately, and ways to let go of stress by focusing more on them. 'Cause life is a beautiful thing, y'all. HZA out.