I had a mini-breakthrough today on my novel. I'd been stuck for several days and I felt like the old block was coming back. But I figured out I can harangue anyone that expresses any interest about it until I'm basically describing the plot to myself. It's really weird, but that's the only way I know how to describe that particular phenomenon.

The great part and the horrible part about what I've gotten myself into with that thing is how crazy the narrator is. I mean, it gives me a lot of freedom both to make fun of him and to kind of suspend disbelief to let me have him do unpredictable things... but there's a fine line between an overly bombastic character who is amusing in his bombast and one who is just annoying to follow. So far I think it's still on the funny side, but it's kind of been a nagging concern as I've moved forward, slowing me down a little bit.

Moving on from that, I've been in Asheville for a month as of tomorrow. I've never spent this long with my dad before. I've also very rarely been away from other people my age to such an extent. In some ways it's been good -- I've gotten a hell of a lot of reading and writing done -- but in other ways I just feel lonely a lot of the time.

My dad and stepmother are great, though they can get on my nerves a good bit if I'm in the right (wrong) frame of mind. I guess that's par for the course.

Now a complete shift in tone and topic, as is my habit.

I was thinking recently about the girl I dated for most of last semester. I kind of realized that she fit right into the category of people I promised myself I *wouldn't* date anymore -- little, if any, interest in me or the things I do, critical, not emotionally connected. The thing that killed me was the realization of how easy it was for her to just drop the whole thing. I hate it when blogs are turned into Weapons of Passive-Aggressive Destruction, so I definitely wouldn't be writing this if I didn't know for a fact she'll never read this. This is definitely not to get at her, I've just been kind of thinking recently about the need to respect and value myself more, and to date people that will sort of reflect the fact that I feel that way. It's about mutual respect, and I settle for less way too easily.

I dunno, I suppose because I've had a lot of time on my hands I've been thinking about that kind of stuff. And the conclusion I came to: the one girl that I think really actually loved me, ever, I ended up treating pretty shittily (this auto-red-underline spell check thing tells me that is not a word, but I do not care.) I mean, I guess we would have broken up anyway -- I had just turned 21 when we broke up after 2.5 years of being together, and I had the sense then that I was too young to be committing to anything serious -- but the plain and simple fact that I took that for granted has been haunting me with a vengeance. And the stupid, oblivious way I acted, the dumb decisions I made, it's kind of crushing me at the moment. And then when I think about the rebound period after that... man, I don't even want to go there. I've been acting like an idiot in a lot of ways. I can do better than that.

I guess I shouldn't even be thinking about serious dating right now because A) I don't know anyone up here in Asheville, B) when I get back to Raleigh, I'll probably only be there for a few months before raisin up for wherever I raise up for (if I get the opportunity to raise up for somewhere. Raise up. STOP SAYING THAT) C) I just need a break, time to just enjoy being me.

I guess the positive in all this is that I'm actually a point where I can put all the bullshit behind me. I am about to leave this area for some new place in a few months. When I get settled wherever I'm going, or whenever I start feeling like I can do this seriously again, I'm going to be handling stuff differently. In a lot of ways, really.


I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and this barely begins to cover it... I'll check in with more soon. (I don't know who is reading this, but I think I'm actually more comfortable with it that way, keeping the Cosmotang experience in mind...)