gkiw: holy crap, maybe you will appreciate this
Auto response from heathdgardner: I am away from my computer right now.

gkiw: I was making small talk with my girlfriend
gkiw: and I accidently had the following conversation with Chris miller
gkiw: gkiw: old cougar
Gonryo: Hmm?
gkiw: that's you
gkiw: Gonryo: Still confused
gkiw: that's right
gkiw: just how I like you
Gonryo: Now creepy
gkiw: woah woah
gkiw signed off at 11:50:28 PM.

the typewriter sits silent, it's as if you've
been betrayed, it's as if a murder has
occurred.
yet words still run through your brain:
"the Spanish bird sings!"
what can
that mean?
at least it's a ripple, even if unusable.

when will the keys
beat into the
paper
again?
it's so easy to die long before the
fact of it.

I look at the machine resting under its black
cover; an unpaid gas bill sleeps on top of
it.

there is a small refrigerator in the
room, it makes the only audible sound
here.

I open it and look inside:
it's empty.

I sit back down in the chair and wait; then I
decide to fool the
typewriter.

I write this
now
with a ballpoint
pen
in a red
notebook;
I am sneaking up on a poem;
there will soon be something for that
frigging
typewriter
to do!

there is a French expression, "without
literature
life is hell."

the glory and power of that!

now let the Spanish bird sing!

-bukowski, "writer's block"

hjdfssfdol: man what would lincoln say
hjdfssfdol: to this shit going on now
hjdfssfdol: hed probably just sigh really heavy and say "figures"

By the way, I've actually thought a lot about what I'll do if I don't get accepted to any grad programs. I have high hopes that I will, but MFA progs are super-competitive since they generally take so few students per year, so I've been working on various alternatives.

One is to stay in Raleigh, look for a job, work for a year, apply for MAs for fall 2008. Those would be easier to get into, and taking the PhD track would actually make things a little simpler in terms of getting a teaching job someday.

Another option is just to say "screw it" and move somewhere else anyway. I'd be hesitant to do this by myself -- it's easier to get by with a roommate, at least financially speaking -- but I'd do it if I had to. I just have this sense that North Carolina was where I grew up, and now that I've basically grown up, I have to see what else is out there. I'm not sure why I have this instinct, but it is pretty strong.

Maybe I can go backpacking in Europe and become a professional bum. I know a few people that might be interested in going that route. We'd just have to know not to shampoo a shampooer on the way back through customs (a little reference for Mr. Show fans out there.)

I can't believe how lucid my thoughts are these days. It's kind of cool. It also forces me to face a lot of crap I'd been trying not to face about stuff in my past (see below posts.) But it's been really healthy overall.

I am starting to wish I never agreed to do this DipPouch editorship, though. I'm just not quite at the level of fanaticism over the game that some of these other people are, so I don't have ideas for thousands-of-words articles on tactics and strategy. For the first issue I'm writing my "first game" story, that of Pope Satan and rafting retreats. The gist of it is that I felt so screwed over by everyone in that game that I made it my mission not to let that happen again, and got really immersed in the Internet hobby so I'd be kicking ass next time I played against those guys. (It worked, but it was also kind of crazy. I was a weird kid.)

Oh well. Gotta go.

I had a mini-breakthrough today on my novel. I'd been stuck for several days and I felt like the old block was coming back. But I figured out I can harangue anyone that expresses any interest about it until I'm basically describing the plot to myself. It's really weird, but that's the only way I know how to describe that particular phenomenon.

The great part and the horrible part about what I've gotten myself into with that thing is how crazy the narrator is. I mean, it gives me a lot of freedom both to make fun of him and to kind of suspend disbelief to let me have him do unpredictable things... but there's a fine line between an overly bombastic character who is amusing in his bombast and one who is just annoying to follow. So far I think it's still on the funny side, but it's kind of been a nagging concern as I've moved forward, slowing me down a little bit.

Moving on from that, I've been in Asheville for a month as of tomorrow. I've never spent this long with my dad before. I've also very rarely been away from other people my age to such an extent. In some ways it's been good -- I've gotten a hell of a lot of reading and writing done -- but in other ways I just feel lonely a lot of the time.

My dad and stepmother are great, though they can get on my nerves a good bit if I'm in the right (wrong) frame of mind. I guess that's par for the course.

Now a complete shift in tone and topic, as is my habit.

I was thinking recently about the girl I dated for most of last semester. I kind of realized that she fit right into the category of people I promised myself I *wouldn't* date anymore -- little, if any, interest in me or the things I do, critical, not emotionally connected. The thing that killed me was the realization of how easy it was for her to just drop the whole thing. I hate it when blogs are turned into Weapons of Passive-Aggressive Destruction, so I definitely wouldn't be writing this if I didn't know for a fact she'll never read this. This is definitely not to get at her, I've just been kind of thinking recently about the need to respect and value myself more, and to date people that will sort of reflect the fact that I feel that way. It's about mutual respect, and I settle for less way too easily.

I dunno, I suppose because I've had a lot of time on my hands I've been thinking about that kind of stuff. And the conclusion I came to: the one girl that I think really actually loved me, ever, I ended up treating pretty shittily (this auto-red-underline spell check thing tells me that is not a word, but I do not care.) I mean, I guess we would have broken up anyway -- I had just turned 21 when we broke up after 2.5 years of being together, and I had the sense then that I was too young to be committing to anything serious -- but the plain and simple fact that I took that for granted has been haunting me with a vengeance. And the stupid, oblivious way I acted, the dumb decisions I made, it's kind of crushing me at the moment. And then when I think about the rebound period after that... man, I don't even want to go there. I've been acting like an idiot in a lot of ways. I can do better than that.

I guess I shouldn't even be thinking about serious dating right now because A) I don't know anyone up here in Asheville, B) when I get back to Raleigh, I'll probably only be there for a few months before raisin up for wherever I raise up for (if I get the opportunity to raise up for somewhere. Raise up. STOP SAYING THAT) C) I just need a break, time to just enjoy being me.

I guess the positive in all this is that I'm actually a point where I can put all the bullshit behind me. I am about to leave this area for some new place in a few months. When I get settled wherever I'm going, or whenever I start feeling like I can do this seriously again, I'm going to be handling stuff differently. In a lot of ways, really.


I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and this barely begins to cover it... I'll check in with more soon. (I don't know who is reading this, but I think I'm actually more comfortable with it that way, keeping the Cosmotang experience in mind...)

George Bush = Worse than Satan

This is great.

RIGHT ON, BRUDDAS!!