Re-adjusting

No, I haven't abandoned this blog as I have all the others. I've been up here in Asheville concentrating on recovery from two very different and yet completely interconnected conditions that have been plauging me for a long time -- one for almost 21 years, one for 7 years.

For the first time, I'm seeing that my future is completely under my control, and the decisions I've already made under duress have affected it to some extent, but it's never too late to make changes.

The biggest realization I've had in the last couple of weeks is that I'm afraid of success. I have these deep-seated feelings of doubt in myself and guilt over a situation for which I really should bear none. I've been limiting myself in all ways because of these insecurities. The fact that I managed to graduate magna cum laude despite all the crap I was subjecting my body and mind to is something that has heartened and even excited me in these last couple of sober weeks.

I'm in a position to actually *do* something with my life. I have already accepted the fact that I probably will not make money as a writer -- and possibly might not even get published (but I think if I get on the ball I'll have a decent shot.) I am okay with that, and I'm even okay with working some shit job to support myself as a writer. I've realized more and more over the past months that there's nothing else I want to do -- nothing else in this, the real world, comes even close.

My whole life I've entertained this fantasy that I'd be able to get through the absolute hell of my childhood and the seismic waves some of that stuff sent through my adolescence and early 20s, and still be intact, in one piece, still have my voice. I always imagined that once I was in such a spot, I'd be able to tell my story, and that was ALL I wanted to do. I'd always shoot that fantasy down, though, with the sad realization that I'd never get past all this stuff.

By some grace that I only am beginning to feel deserving of, I am actually getting through it. I've revisted the worst depths of that pain in my past, completely sober, have confronted those feelings and really FELT them for the first time.

And the most exciting part about all this is I'm just beginning to realize how many stories I have to tell.

I'm about to be 24. Life is a blessing. I'm moving forward.