Who are the Word Police?

Since no one has yet stepped up to the challenge, I'm declaring myself a self-appointed sheriff in the realm of lame, useless, and often cringe-inducing new words that somehow become ubiquitous within days of being introduced. If a word or phrase is lurking around these parts without my approval, this is fair warning that it may be shot down.

I apologize in advance for offending anyone who uses these words, I'm just cranky about the English language. I'll be the old guy yelling at kids to get off my lawn and to stop using double negatives.

Let's try a few of these on, shall we?

1) Epic. Let's get a quick google definition... "very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale); "an epic voyage"; "of heroic proportions"; "heroic sculpture"
So it's a specialized word, right? One of those words you save for, well, a truly epic occasion. Like when you decide to set out from San Diego in a kayak and wind up in Wilmington, NC months later. That's epic. Eating a sandwich that is delicious is not an epic action. It's just a good sandwich. It would only be epic if it took you years to eat, or if you had to slay some sort of demon/dragon to gain access to said sandwich.

*sub-annoyances*
-Epic Fail. I know this one has been around for a while, but it still makes my skin crawl. You're walking down the street and you drop your lunchbox. It pops open and your apple rolls down the street and into the gutter. "EPIC FAIL!" you announce to anyone who'll listen. "I JUST FAILED EPICALLY! CHECK ME OUT!" No, to fail epically would be something along the lines of Napoleon and/or Hitler staging a massive invasion of Russia and losing a bloody war of attrition, leaving millions dead. That's an epic fail. Since the war in the middle east has cost many lives since 2002 and hasn't yielded Bin Laden, you could argue that it's an epic fail. If they caught him after 10 years, that'd be an epic win. An epic win is not finding an open gas pump at a crowded filling station. And this brings me to...

2) For The Win (FTW). How hard is it to say "This cookie I'm eating is good"? Why complicate it by holding it up, grinning, and saying "cookie FOR THE WIN!" What did the cookie help you win? Are you the new cookie eating champ? Or is it the cookie that won? I don't get it. Places where this phrase is acceptable: the set of Hollywood Squares, sporting events.

3) Fuck my Life (FML). OK, this is one that started out kinda cool in my view, just because the site that spawned the saying was pretty brilliant. You could peruse all the horrible things that were happening to others, which made you feel slightly less pathetic. But now people have started WAY overusing this. "I missed the bus and I have to wait 15 minutes for the next one. FML." "I just opened a soda and a little bit of it sprayed out on my shirt. FML." I think there needs to be a minimum requirement of a certain level of horror and embarrassment for this one. "I got explosive diarrhea with zero warning at my senior prom, FML." That should be considered a mild FML.

4. Creeper. I am not sure why this has caught on so much, but I have heard people at many different age levels using this. I'm not really opposed to the word so much as the idea that you can just add "er" to an existing word and have it mean basically the same thing. Letters cost money, you know! Plus, 'creeper' should really mean 'something that creeps', like maybe a spider or a millipede. A creepy person doesn't creep, they're just creepy.

OK, allow me to apologize for my curmudgeonishness (new word!... I guess that makes me a curmudgeoner) but I thought it would be fun to attack a few words head-on. There are plenty more that I object to, but I'll save those for another time. Oh, and if I offended anyone, I was basically just joking... you can use whatever words you want. It's a free country. FML.